The Art Within

 I have a secret to share with you my friends. A piece of myself that I've kept private for quite some time.

Are you ready for it?

I hear God. We have deep and intimate conversations and He answers me. I am fully aware that not everyone hears God the way that I do, and that is ok. Some will never hear Him in the ways that I do. That doesn't make their relationship less than (I know some people who compare themselves....I certainly do in other areas of my relationship with God). Most people hear God in the scripture. Some in dreams. Some in the voice of others. I hear Him those ways too but in a different way as well, one that is unique to my gifts and calling. I am grateful. 

Early on in my walk with Jesus, I wondered if others would think that I am crazy if I said the things I'm sharing with you. Now, I feel the calling to share bits and pieces of myself and my relationship with God to encourage, correct and help others grow in their own gifts and to know that they are not alone and they are not "crazy".

So here goes....

About 10 years ago, I was praying and asking God for direction in my life. I wanted to know the path for me. A profession. A calling.  I asked Him what I should pursue with my life. What would most bring glory and honor to him. Was it full-time ministry? Was it midwifery? Or something else? And then I heard him, clear as a bell. "Maggie, I want you to paint." I argued with him. First with denial, "Like houses Lord?". "No, paint".  I knew instantly that He meant art. In fact I knew what He meant it the first moment I heard it, I just didn't like it. 

I didn't believe. I had no real skills. I had dabbled in painting a bit several years before but gave up because I didn't know what I was doing and I didn't have time. And so what did I do? Did I obey? Did I take art classes? Did I buy canvases? Did I paint? 

Nope.

I pursued midwifery. I wanted to be in full-time ministry (vocationally) alongside my husband but couldn't imagine a church out there hiring a husband and wife at the same time. So I pursued my childhood dream of midwifery in hopes of one day living on the mission field in a nation with high maternal and newborn mortality rates. I dreamt of starting a clinic somewhere and teaching indigenous midwives life saving medical techniques, equipping them to care for the women in their communities. And then...I found myself with a health issue so severe I couldn't complete my education.

Fast forward to March of 2018 (skipping over a huge chunk of transformative life situations).

In March of 2018 I was the Prayer Ministry Director at my church. I was invited to attend an Intercessory Prayer event at another church where we mapped out areas of our Mat-Su Valley to pray over and identified Intercessors in different churches in the area. We prayed and worshipped together. Being still in a season of wondering why God made me, I signed up for a time slot to have a few individuals prophecy over me.  Lots of interesting words were released over me, and so far all have been spot on. The one that confirmed a calling on my life was this....

Maggie, are you an artist? Me remembering what God said years before and in denial: "Not really, my dad is but I am intimidated by it because I have no skills and he's amazing". Well (the man said), you are an artist. And another person in the group said, yes. I agree. I see it on you. You will be known for painting with Gold. 

I was in shock and denial. Lord, I don't know how to paint. I don't like gold. They're crazy. But their words wouldn't leave me. And so, I painted. I painted a wave (no gold). The wave was something I'd been praying over and it was a worshipful and meaningful experience for me. I felt as though my prayers were taking form in front of my eyes.  I painted a few more waves and started experimenting with painting other things, a river and an oak....all things I saw in worship and God was asking me to pray for the church. All along in my innermost being, I had this knowing that I should paint with oil paint. I didn't know how so I didn't try and I didn't paint with gold, not once. I was super intimidated by the thought until recently when a co-worker encouraged me to give it a try. 

And then...a season of trauma and change was upon me without my consent. There was nothing I could do in life but survive. I stopped painting. I walked through fire. Refining fire. Hell fire. Fire. My soul was hot. God and I had a lot to work out. And in the process I began to remember who I am. God kept giving me glimpse of who he made me to be. He gave me a voice where I was once afraid to speak. And now, I have to figure out daily how to use my voice to build up and tear down only as the Lord leads, not as my emotions lead. He also kept pointing me back to the canvas and so I began to paint again secretly.

In February 2021 my dear friend asked me to decorate a prayer room for a women's retreat our church was having in April. I asked God what I should do with the space. He told me to....

Paint.

Paint mountains of every shape and size. Paint with oil. Paint with gold. Paint. And with great fear, I painted. I painted knowing that people may judge my ability. That I was being asked to hang them on the walls for others to view, including real artists. Every single ounce of pride and insecurity was wrapped up in this ask from the Lord. 

And so I painted. And then He told me to raffle them away. The bits and pieces of my soul. The acts of worship, prayers and healing that I had invested. I baulked at His ask. Lord, no one will want them. He said, be brave and obey. And do you know what happened? Every painting went home with a woman. Every painting meant something to the person that received it. My heart was full. Full. Not humiliated.

And when I returned I continued to paint. My art has become my worship. My art has become my therapy. 

Next post is my latest piece and the process and what God has spoken to me to share with you.